Foam

Foam. It is a lovely word. Say it 10 times, it is like a meditative chant.

I am filled with a soft type of foam. I guess you could say that foam is my life source. So, it seemed only fitting that I should visit Foamhenge, a foam replica of Stonehenge. It was breathtaking. I felt the presence of all my foam filled ancestors. We are a proud race, made up of engineered lightweight cellular materials with open cell structures.

As I stood in the center of Foamhenge, I was moved by the beauty and power of foam.

If you prick us, do we not foam? Shakespeare
The tongue, like a sharp knife, kills without drawing foam. Buddha
I have nothing to offer but foam, toil, tears and sweat. Winston Churchill.
Half caff, 2%, heavy foam. Starbucks

Trust Me

So, Kim and my shrink (who will not stop staring at me) decided that it would be good for us to do some trust building exercises.

First, they blindfolded me and made me walk through an obstacle course of thumbtacks.  I was led only by Kim's voice. It wasn't that bad. I was actually starting to think that this might work...that maybe, there was hope for us yet.

Then they told me to stand on the edge of a two foot high precipice and fall backwards. Kim was supposed to catch me, but her iPhone rang while I was in midair.

Yeah, we are back to square one.

Farm Fresh Goodness

Do you know how many tourist attractions there are in the U.S.?  Thousands. And where does Kim stop? Disneyworld? Noooo. Hershey Park? Noooo.  Seaworld? Noooo.

She stops at the Bob Evans Farm in Rio Grande, Ohio. Whoopty doo. She made me stand in front of this windmill while she took my picture. Then she bought a cow hat and some sausage and kept talking about farm fresh goodness and animal well being. Sounded like a cult or something.

If she starts making me where a fanny pack, I'm quitting and getting another job.

Labor Day

I am grateful for Labor Day...especially because it brought about the two day weekend. Yeah, right. Like Kim actually upholds that little rule. For Ugly Monsters, the battle is not over. Recently I had the honor of being the keynote speaker at NUMU (National Ugly Monsters Union).  I was a hit.  I made sure that I banged on the podium for effect, people love that.

Here is a few lines from my speech:

I believe in products made for monsters with one eye! I dream of a better world, where chickens can cross the road without their motives being questioned! I believe in the use of touch screens for those of us without phalanges.  We are not ugly, we are unique! We are a vital force to be reckoned with. If Peter McGuire can make a difference so can we. Join me now in this fight for proper treatment of Ugly Monsters in the workplace!

Yeah, I was a hit.

I Appreciate the Advice

After last weeks episode, Kim felt that I should 'see' someone.  She found a psychiatrist on Craig's List who, she said, seemed very wise.

I don't like it. At all. The doc kept staring at me. In our first session she mentioned that maybe there where other motives behind my recent hijinks and that maybe they are not as funny to other people as they are to me.

I told her that if you don't like my sense of humor, please tell me...so I can laugh at you.  She didn't even blink at that one. Hey, I tried.

She gave me advice on how to deal with my job. She gave me some advice on dealing with my internal turmoil and she gave me advice on how to redirect some of my behavior.

I appreciate the advice, but what I really need right now is minions.

Did I mention that you can follow me? It's easy. Just push the little button over there, to the right. You know you want to. Do it. Do it now. Just do it...that's right, move your mouse and click.

Tom Foolery

I had to do it.

There was such an ostentatious display of Kim's picture everywhere. Needless to say Kim's 'awesome' sense of humor evaporated pretty quickly when she saw this.

Just because I don't look like Ashton Kutcher I can't punk someone? What's wrong with a little bit of tom foolery? A smidge of shenanigans? Nothing. But she said that this prank carried malicious undertones.

What does she know? And what do I do now with the whoopie cushion, hot gum and hand buzzer?

(Notice also my levitation skills. It was those very skills that led to the loss of my right eye.)

Yes Man

Last week we were home for a few days and Kim told me that I would be working in the office for a couple of hours. I don't mind doing office work, even though I do feel it is a waste of my personality, but I do mind working with the other guy she has in there.

Hey, I'm a team player just like anyone. Move my cheese, positive thinking, influencing people stuff? Love it. But at some point you have to put your foot down. This guy is just too much.

No opinion. No point of view. All day, just agreeing with anything she says. Makes me look bad.

I hate yes men.

My Guilty Pleasure

It lurks in the dark hallways of the local mall, on the sidewalk at the corner store, in the food court next to Taco Land, and near the bathrooms at the movie theater.  Like one of Pavlov's dogs, I see the blinking lights and hear the sound of the bell and I instinctively start searching, hoping to find a quarter. Just. One. Quarter.

The coin drops and it's activated. For one glorious moment I am transported. I am no longer a fingerless, one eyed, pink, ugly monster, created to serve at Kim's beck and call.  I am a race car driver, a cowboy, a school bus driver, the whole world is my carnival!! I throw my head back and howl at the moon (or at the florescent, flickering Pretzel Hut sign).

How is it that a simple driving mechanism hidden under a vacuum formed plastic cover can do this to me?

My guilty pleasure.

The Fruit of Good and Evil

An apple a day keeps the doctor away.

Bull pucky. An apple a day will keep you broke. iPhones, iPads, iPods, Nanos, Shuffles, Mac, iTunes, I could go on and on and on.  I love the iPad and iPod because you don't need fingers to use them...which is a very handy little feature considering my appendages or lack there of.

Like Eve, unable to resist the temptation of the apples sweetness and promised powers, I plucked an Apple from tree. I purchased an iPad. Sure enough, a few weeks later, another one came out. A better version, a hotter version, a quicker version. It's a vicious cycle of feeling cool and then feeling outdated. Soon Apple will have to come up with iMeds. Medication to treat the depression we experience from technical peer pressure caused by the Apple tree.

Apple, the fruit of good and evil.

Pink is the New Tan

Did you really think that I was born gloriously pink? Nooo.

I work hard to keep myself looking good.

I'm bringing sexy back.