I Appreciate the Advice

After last weeks episode, Kim felt that I should 'see' someone.  She found a psychiatrist on Craig's List who, she said, seemed very wise.

I don't like it. At all. The doc kept staring at me. In our first session she mentioned that maybe there where other motives behind my recent hijinks and that maybe they are not as funny to other people as they are to me.

I told her that if you don't like my sense of humor, please tell me...so I can laugh at you.  She didn't even blink at that one. Hey, I tried.

She gave me advice on how to deal with my job. She gave me some advice on dealing with my internal turmoil and she gave me advice on how to redirect some of my behavior.

I appreciate the advice, but what I really need right now is minions.

Did I mention that you can follow me? It's easy. Just push the little button over there, to the right. You know you want to. Do it. Do it now. Just do it...that's right, move your mouse and click.

Tom Foolery

I had to do it.

There was such an ostentatious display of Kim's picture everywhere. Needless to say Kim's 'awesome' sense of humor evaporated pretty quickly when she saw this.

Just because I don't look like Ashton Kutcher I can't punk someone? What's wrong with a little bit of tom foolery? A smidge of shenanigans? Nothing. But she said that this prank carried malicious undertones.

What does she know? And what do I do now with the whoopie cushion, hot gum and hand buzzer?

(Notice also my levitation skills. It was those very skills that led to the loss of my right eye.)

Yes Man

Last week we were home for a few days and Kim told me that I would be working in the office for a couple of hours. I don't mind doing office work, even though I do feel it is a waste of my personality, but I do mind working with the other guy she has in there.

Hey, I'm a team player just like anyone. Move my cheese, positive thinking, influencing people stuff? Love it. But at some point you have to put your foot down. This guy is just too much.

No opinion. No point of view. All day, just agreeing with anything she says. Makes me look bad.

I hate yes men.

My Guilty Pleasure

It lurks in the dark hallways of the local mall, on the sidewalk at the corner store, in the food court next to Taco Land, and near the bathrooms at the movie theater.  Like one of Pavlov's dogs, I see the blinking lights and hear the sound of the bell and I instinctively start searching, hoping to find a quarter. Just. One. Quarter.

The coin drops and it's activated. For one glorious moment I am transported. I am no longer a fingerless, one eyed, pink, ugly monster, created to serve at Kim's beck and call.  I am a race car driver, a cowboy, a school bus driver, the whole world is my carnival!! I throw my head back and howl at the moon (or at the florescent, flickering Pretzel Hut sign).

How is it that a simple driving mechanism hidden under a vacuum formed plastic cover can do this to me?

My guilty pleasure.

The Fruit of Good and Evil

An apple a day keeps the doctor away.

Bull pucky. An apple a day will keep you broke. iPhones, iPads, iPods, Nanos, Shuffles, Mac, iTunes, I could go on and on and on.  I love the iPad and iPod because you don't need fingers to use them...which is a very handy little feature considering my appendages or lack there of.

Like Eve, unable to resist the temptation of the apples sweetness and promised powers, I plucked an Apple from tree. I purchased an iPad. Sure enough, a few weeks later, another one came out. A better version, a hotter version, a quicker version. It's a vicious cycle of feeling cool and then feeling outdated. Soon Apple will have to come up with iMeds. Medication to treat the depression we experience from technical peer pressure caused by the Apple tree.

Apple, the fruit of good and evil.

Pink is the New Tan

Did you really think that I was born gloriously pink? Nooo.

I work hard to keep myself looking good.

I'm bringing sexy back.

Wardrobe Malfunction

I hate going out to dinner. I'm usually the only one not wearing pants.

What? Just buy some pants? Well, that's easy for you to say, but look at me!

My legs are 1/6 the size of my ears...a little tough to fit. Don't get me wrong, I think pants are glorious and I believe they have become the most ubiquitous and beloved staple for mankind.

Pants, slacks, kegs, breeches, trousers, bloomers, jodhpurs, pantaloons, jeans...whatever you call them, I wish I had a pair.

Sailors are thought to have played a central role in the spreading of pants as a fashion trend around the world. Sailors as trend setters, who would have thought it?  In the 16th-18th centuries, sailors wore loose fit trousers known as galligaskins. Sailors were also the first to wear jeans. I think MC Hammer also had a large part in the role of pants on society.

Can't touch this.

Vacation, All I Ever Wanted

Recently Kim and I went to the Pacific Northwest.  After nagging her for over an hour, she finally stopped working and took me to the beach. 

I must have made her a little angry because she offered me a straw and told me to go snorkeling. 

She knows, as well as I do, that my peripheral vision is not adequate for that type of adventure. I mean, who knows what lives in that water. If it attacks, I at least wanna see it coming. 

Chick Magnet

Oh yeah. Women. Kim has no idea what a chick magnet I am. I met these two Russian girls while visiting Seattle. Kim was busy in the other room doing a workshop. She had no clue I was getting my pimp daddy on.

The one on the left is Asya and the one on the right is Polina. They didn't speak much English, which was good for me. I like having a chance to be a take charge kind of guy.  They had no clue I was missing an eye, they just thought that I was winking a lot which caused them to giggle constantly.  I helped them find some food and then put them on the train to Portland.  Portland is weird and you can blend in real easy. They'll do well there.

My Name is Meh.

My name is Meh. I have never blogged before, but am excited to start. I needed a place where I could express myself.  I travel around the country with Kim Weitkamp. She is not so bad. Don't bite the hand that feeds you is what I say.

I have one eye. But it has sharpened other senses. For instance, I can now balance on one foot much longer then before.  

The loss of my eye is a hard story to tell, maybe one day I will share it with you.

I hope you enjoy reading my blog. I will try to update each week sharing with you my new adventures. 

Meh.